


I know what it's like to be all alone and afraid to die

by Multifandom_damnation



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Episode Related, Fjord (Critical Role) Has Issues, Gen, Good Friend Yasha (Critical Role), Heart-to-Heart, I'm Bad At Tagging, Isolation, Missing Scene, Repressed Memories
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-29
Updated: 2019-06-29
Packaged: 2020-05-28 18:36:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,686
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19400017
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Multifandom_damnation/pseuds/Multifandom_damnation
Summary: The room of mirrors isn't Fjord's favourite place, and that fact is only made concrete when he watches Yasha get pulled into the mirror like some sort of portal.He knows all about what it's like to be alone and afraid facing something bigger than yourself with the knowledge that the others might not come, so he follows after he without a second thought because he can hear the roar of a big blue dragon rattling in his ears.





	I know what it's like to be all alone and afraid to die

**Author's Note:**

> What is it with me and writing about Fjord & Yasha recently, huh?
> 
> Anyway, this was supposed to be out for last weeks ep but I didn't have the motivation to finish it, so you get it after the bombshell that is this week. Now we have to wait two weeks for the next one, huh? I might write something for that, but maybe not.
> 
> Fjord being the first person to jump into the mirror after Yasha really got me, especially if you consider that he went through the exact same thing with falling through that stained glass window and having to face the dragon all alone. I can't imagine him wanting Yasha to go through the same thing. So this is just my interpretation of how I would think that that conversation would go down. 
> 
> I liked the way this fic turned out, even if it was a bit of a chore to write. I hope you liked it and enjoy this shit show x

The room of mirrors made Fjord uneasy, and it obviously had the same effect on the rest of the group, because they immediately became weary with every step they made.

He didn’t like it not one bit, not since the shifting shapes of his fellows made the mirrors play tricks on his mind to make it look like they had unwanted company with them in the chamber, not since he touched the glass and felt it vibrate unnaturally under his hand, not since he kept resisting the impulsive urge to charge forward and do something majorly stupid, like he had done the last time, and where had that got him?

Paranoid. He was paranoid, he knew he was, but he was so very sure that they were not truly alone in the chamber and he said as much, but who was there to believe him when he couldn’t be sure that he believed himself? Maybe it was just a trick of Caleb’s dim lights dancing across the glass, or maybe a reflection of a friend in two mirrors at once, or maybe he truly was just being paranoid.

They tread carefully, because what kind of fool would prance recklessly through a room that was seemingly harmless after all that they had faced so far? Zombies with glowing hearts, a powerful spirit that patrolled a room filled with electrifying air, a decaying bridge over a whispering pit that drove them all kinds of mad and was made of all the poor souls that had fallen to their death in its blubber. There was no way in hell that Fjord was being reckless in a room filled with mirrors.

The glacier wall was perplexing to him, more so than the actual mirrors despite being so sure that they weren’t alone, but he stayed back and let Caleb and Beau try their luck at cracking it. Fjord thought he could see the outline of someone inside, but he was probably wrong.

But still, there was something deep inside him shouting, no, _screaming_ at him and despite all the mirrors, Fjord turned around just in time to see Yasha touch the mirror in the exact same way that he had, but instead of moving away, Yasha frowned as her reflection grinned and Fjords heart sank as he realized how much trouble they were in, but before he could say anything, her reflection reached out and yanked a very surprised Yasha into the mirror.

Fjord's gut sank because _oh my god it was happening again._

Despite how seriously he was taking being cautious, Fjord was the first person at the mirror with his hand against the glass before anyone else could even register what was happening, because he knew what it felt like to be sucked into a place unknown, all alone and afraid, and Fjord didn’t want anyone to have to go through what he did.

Of course, Yasha was handling her battle perfectly, a battle with herself, but warped and twisted and smiling grotesquely in a very un-Yasha-like way, while Fjord struggled to contend with his own distorted doppelganger, which Yasha also managed to defeat mostly on her own.

But then there was a Caleb that Yasha had to deal with, and Fjord felt his heart sank because despite how much he wanted to see Caleb smile, it was never going to be like this.

Caduceus was there, all calm words and laughs which told Fjord that he was more afraid than he let on, and not only did he help rid them of the mirror versions of the Mighty Nein but managed to find a way out of it, too.

It didn’t make Fjord feel any better. He remembered the heart-plummeting feeling of hopelessness and fear he felt while staring up at the hungry face of the great blue dragon and the sudden, horrible realization that none of his friends were going to come and save him and that he would just die alone in with their names screamed on his tongue.

The moment Yasha had disappeared, he had felt that fear again, and beneath it something boiling almost like rage but that couldn’t be it because he was much too afraid to feel anything other than all-consuming terror, but his friend was gone into the unknown and without a second thought Fjord dived in after her.

He hadn’t realized how stupid he had been until later, when the events of the day had come rushing back at him like the roiling rapids of the sea over pointed rocks, when the shattered pieces of the mirror glittered on the floor to no effect, when he felt the mockery of himself wrap his arms around him, and suddenly in the reflection he could see the cold, calculating eyes of a grand blue dragon.

That night, while Fjord and Yasha were on watch together in Caleb’s glowing grey bubble and the rest of the Mighty Nein asleep around them and Caduceus’s familiar snoring surrounding them like a warm blanket, Yasha brought it up. “Uh, thank you, for saving me today,” her voice was timid. “I did not expect you to do that.”

Fjord could only shrug. “What are friends for?” But the silence stretched too long as if Yasha could sense the words he couldn’t say and was slowly pulling it out from his lungs. “I know what it’s like to be thrust somewhere, not knowing if anyone would be coming. That’s all.”

“Ah,” Yasha hummed in appreciation and Fjord felt a cold blade of fear go straight through his chest. “The dragon. Yes, I remember. I mean, I wasn’t there, but from what the others have told me it couldn’t have been fun.”

Laughing awkwardly, Fjord rubbed the back of his neck. “Uh, yeah, not really. I could think of a thousand things I would rather have done,” he cleared his throat. “Anyway, it doesn’t matter. It’s over now.”

Yasha looked at him and Fjord was glad for the cover of darkness so he could not feel her piercing gaze on him. “Just because it is over doesn’t mean it doesn’t matter. I did not think that anyone would come for me in that… mirror world, but you were the first person to dive in after me before I had even comprehended what was happening. So… thank you. For not leaving me all alone.

He knew what it felt like to be all alone. The all-consuming, everlasting fear of abandonment and solidarity, like the people you had expected to follow you into every unknown shoved you through a doorway and ran as far away from you as they possibly could. Fjord knew what it felt like to face something so much greater than yourself before you had even managed to get back on your feet. “It was no trouble.”

Sighing, Yasha leant back against the wall and tilted her head up. She could just about see the outline of Frumpkin sitting vigilance atop the dome. “For what it’s worth,” she began. “We went through similar experiences while you were all in that… dome. You left me alone aboard the ship with the crew, so I suppose while you were facing off against dragon, I guess I was faced with the realization that you were never coming back at the same time.”

Grimacing, Fjord fiddled with the red cord around his waist to give his hands something to do. “Did we ever apologise enough for that, by the way?”

Shrugging, Yasha turned a lopsided smile onto Fjord, one he wasn’t immediately familiar with, and he just had to smile back. “It doesn’t matter if it’s all in the past, right?”

“Ha-ha,” Fjord mocked but there was no heat behind it.

They sat in comfortable silence for a few short moments with Fjord’s eyes darting across every mirror in search of movement (he made a mental note to smash every single one of them in the morning) and Yasha idly flicked through her book, the many and often garish colours of the flowers that filled every page almost too-bright for the darkness. Finally, the silence became too consuming for Fjord, and he broke it with a heavy breath. “You know, ah… you know that we all would have come after you if we could have, right? I was the first one there because I panicked, but Caddy came in pretty fucking quick, and I think the only reason that the others didn’t follow was that they didn’t know what to do. But you know that we all would have come… right?”

Yasha breathed a heavy sigh and nodded slowly. “I do. I uh, never thought that you would leave me there, not intentionally anyway, but it’s nice of you to reassure me. I wonder… I wonder why only some of us had evil reflections? I mean, Caduceus to me doesn’t seem like someone to have that in them, and Caleb didn’t even come in, yet I still had to fight him.”

“I suppose it was just the luck of the draw,” Fjord replied, equally as perplexed. “But I think it could have been just because we were in the room, and we all had a chance of having one. That’s what Caleb said, anyway.”

Humming, Yasha closed the book in her lap with a soft _snap!_ and from where Jester was leaning against her, she stirred slightly. “For what it’s worth,” she tired. “If I had been there in the orb with you, I would have come after you so you weren’t alone with the dragon. I mean, I’m sure the other’s tried to, but I guess they were just… lost.”

“Yeah,” Fjord sighed. “Lost. We always seem to be lost.”

“That’s not always a bad thing,” Yasha shrugged. “Sometimes, the best way to find which way you’re going is to find it by accident first.”

Tilting his head, Fjord looked at Yasha with a smile and she looked at him with the traces of a smile. Not quite a full smile, but they were getting there. “That… actually makes a lot of sense.”

Yasha shoved her elbow gently into Fjord’s side and while it didn’t hurt, it did knock the air out of him. “Don’t be so surprised. I have good advice, on occasion.” She lowered her head down and closed her eyes and Fjord felt like something horrible was going to come. “Molly taught me that. ‘Just because you don’t know where you’re going doesn’t mean your lost.’ He was always lost.”

Lowering his head in a match to Yasha’s, Fjord took a deep breath. “He’d know what to do. He always did. Even if he were wrong.” When the silence stretched a little too long for his liking, Fjord cleared his throat. “Anyway. I just thought you should know that even though we’re not all going to be forced to fight a fucking dragon in some crazy orb of death, none of us are going to leave you alone. We’re not going to… force you to stay behind so we can save ourselves. I hope you know that.”

“I do,” Yasha said with the air of someone accepting a horrible fate and Fjord frowned. “These people… you people, all mean a lot to me. The only other people I have ever cared about this much was Mollymauk and Zuala, and they are both dead now. I don’t want that to happen again. So when we go towards this… tomb… I will go first. I will lead the charge, so if anything happens, it will happen to me first.”

“You don’t have to do that, Yasha,” Fjord tried. “This guy wants you, not us. You going first is just going to give you what he wants.”

“I know.” Yasha ran her hands through her hair, the darkened dreadlocks making a mess at the back of her neck. “But I do not want to lose any more friends because I was not there. I will take the first hit if there is one to come because I don’t want anyone else to get it.”

It was becoming increasingly obvious to Fjord that there was no way he could change Yasha’s mind, so he just rubbed at the bridge of his nose. “Alright, yeah. I understand and… not _agree_ with your decision, but I respect it, and won’t try to stop you. Though I can’t promise you the others won’t argue.”

“I expect them to,” Yasha said. “Beau, Caleb, Jester… it is nice that I have people who care about me. I… I have gone through so much of my life with nothing but my sorrow and my anger that I had almost forgotten what it was like to be cared for by other people. By friends.”

Fjord couldn’t help but chuckle and reached a hand over to pat Yasha on the shoulder. She wasn’t as sensitive with contact as Caleb was, but she tensed slightly under his hand anyway but didn’t pull away. “Well, we’re a family now, so I guess you should start getting used to being cared for and depended on. If it makes you feel any better, I don’t think Caduceus would argue with you leading us tomorrow. I think this place filled with… undead is getting to him.”

Behind them, the constant, earth-trembling snoring paused and turned to confused spluttering as Caduceus woke and slowly sat up, careful not to jostle Caleb who had accidentally made a make-shift pillow out of his legs. He rubbed at his eyes and looked around the outside of the dome, one hand already reaching to wrap his long fingers around his staff. “I heard my name,” he elaborated. “Is everything alright? Are we under attack?”

“Nah Duces, we’re fine,” Fjord said and Caduceus visibly relaxed. “We were just talking about what happened today and how you saved all our asses.

“Yeah, that was crazy, huh?” Cad laughed, deep and low. “I don’t think I necessarily saved anyone but thank you for the privilege.”

“Go back to sleep,” Yasha said gently, more gently than Fjord had heard from her before. Maybe it was the fact that Caduceus had just woken up or that she was just being kind or maybe she just wanted to be gentle. “Nothing’s wrong. We’re sorry we woke you.”

Stretching his arms above his head, very grateful that he had the room in Caleb’s little dome to do so, Caduceus shook his head. “Nah, I think it’s time for my watch anyway. You two have done enough today, it’s time you guys got some sleep.” He paused. “Uh, as soon as I figure out how not to wake Mister Caleb.”

Holding back laughter, Fjord and Yasha helped Caduceus move his legs out from under Caleb’s head without waking him and he immediately took his watch back where they were previously sitting, his staff rested over his lap and the crystal glowing with a warm light. If they listened, the could hear the deep droning whirring of beetles wings coming from the tiny alcoves in the staff.

Jester stirred as Yasha settled down on her other side and wrapped her tail around her leg to keep her close. Fjord laid down beside Beau and she kicked him in her sleep. He didn’t know if it was intentional or just a physical reaction from her dream, but it fucking hurt. Caleb was sleeping in the centre, as he had to, and he was now using Jester’s haversack as a pillow instead of Caduceus’ legs. Nott was curled up in the far corner, making noises in her sleep and muttering about a missing flask.

Fjord and Yasha didn’t speak again that night, but they exchanged a meaningful look over the tops of the bodies of their sleeping friends and fell asleep knowing that they had people to keep them safe.

That night, Fjord dreamt of a large blue dragon with a wide maw and evil words and a hungry rumbling in its gut as it tried to eat him, but this time Yasha was beside him, and the rest of the Mighty Nein soon after.

He slept soundly that night.

**Author's Note:**

> I know they didn't actually end up having a long rest at the beginning of ep69, but this was written for last weeks ep, so I just assumed that they would considering how many spells they used and how SCARY the next room seemed. I guess having finished this after ep69 I was able to include some things and some insight that I wouldn't have before, so I guess it was both a blessing and a curse. 
> 
> (also, this fic was going to be titled, 'the tome of isolation' or all your Campaign1 people, but I thought that would make no sense, so I changed it to this shitty thing instead.)


End file.
